The Thing that I really….

It’s Sunday, night, and I am still struggling with my cough since last Tuesday (thankfully it’s not Covid, antigen test showed negative result). Usually, in a moody night like this, I just either go outside for night-riding with my old motorcycle, watching film or Youtube videos, or playing my guitar. However, since I am coughing a lot, I think it would be better not to go outside. I watched a lot about Lexus LFA and wish someday I could afford such car and hear that naturally aspirated V10 sounds, sometimes I also watch old videos of my favorite Car TV shows Top Gear. Why? Because it’s fun you blithering idiot. I am not in the mood of playing guitar, because the thing is, I can’t sing. No, it’s not the cough, my voice is really like a parrot with seeds stuck in its throat, even myself sometimes cannot bear that. So here I am again, writing this in the middle of the night while watching football.

No, I can’t call my girlfriend right now just in case you’re wondering, because she does not exist, and let’s not talk about that. I was thinking lately, what is the thing that I really want right now? A nice voice so I can play my guitar every single time not doing fingerstyle? How about Lexus LFA? Wow, I really don’t need a stereo in that car just to hear the engine singing and shouting, or a girlfriend? Ok let’s pass that one. But the point is, I want a lot of things (and currently working for it), but when I think about it again, it always comes from my own desire. It’s not that I can’t live with it, but I just demanded more and more. It’s not wrong, but probably, it’s not the things that I really need, I just want it and that’s about it. So, the question now is a little bit different, what is the thing that I really need right now?

And this intrigues me to think deeper, what do I really need right now? A house? I make a special story about my dream house and that is what my next target is, I’ve been investing a lot of my monthly salary to buy that kind of house 4 years from now. But what’s wrong about living in a smaller apartment or even just rent a house rather than buy? I’ve been in small rented-room for more than 7 years too, so I guess it’s not what I really need right now. How about cars? Oh yes, I want a Lexus LFA, but let’s not think too far, that car does not even exist in Indonesia (or is it?). Realistically, I want an electric car. No, not Tesla, a cheaper one like Hyundai or something. But again, it’s not what I really need right now, I have soon-19-years-old motorcycle that nobody in my family wants to drive and it’s just enough. And these thoughts led me to my job.

I know what you’re thinking, you think I need a better job, but that’s not right either. Yes, I want a better career and better position too, but I still love my jobs (but keep myself open for other opportunities as well). I am still considered as juniors in the office, and being young or junior means that you can make a lot of mistakes while exploring anything. Like most of the jobs, we are working with many people with different characters, and that is where the problem begins. I have to be honest, probably I am the most impatient person in the team. I make decision quickly, I automate all of the routine tasks with some programming skills, and I always check the plan and follow up every single checklist of it. So how do you imagine if that impatient person is also a perfectionist? Well, I tell you, I can imagine a cocky and inconsiderate person, because that’s what my close-friends told me (and it’s not new actually). It’s not always like that, but thinking about it makes me hate myself sometimes.

I guess everybody agrees that it’s not easy, it’s different. It’s not like tracking your investment portfolio, being mature takes a lot of time and experience. So here is what I really need right now: wisdom. I want to be a good judge; I want to be a good decision maker; I want to be more considerate towards my words; I want to know the consequences of all the available courses of my action that I usually don’t care about; I want to be empathetic with oneself and understand one’s own state and emotion. It sounds like I am trying to be Buddha or King Solomon, probably too good to be true for such humans, but that is the virtue that I really need right now. Who knows, when I become wise, hopefully I won’t care much about house, car, or girlfriend too.

So how to become wise? Well, I just typed in the Google search and many answers appeared. So, let’s stop this useless story and let me read those answers. If you ever meet me and I still looked cocky and stupid, I am sorry, it means that the time has not coming yet.